Tebow’s Numbers and Scripture

The NFL has no shortage of religious displays by both players and fans, but Tebow has been something different. A QB who can’t even manage to throw a spiral has somehow been at the helm as his team has pulled off seemingly miraculous wins. There are religious players, and then there’s Tebow. His parents are missionaries, his birth was “miraculous”, he has performed missionary work preaching to inmates and in the Philippines mutilating genitals while preaching the “good news”, is still a virgin and is a top selling religious author now so OF COURSE he’s plugged into the Man Upstairs who makes his wins happen. What other explanation could there be? What, you want proof? How about the miracle of last week over the Steelers where he threw for….. wait for it…. 316 yards? 3:16, people! I mean come on!

So it would stand to reason that if the results of his games are due to the Christian god, and that we can also take meaning from the stats of these games, like with the 316 yards, meaning that is EVIDENCE of this divine intervention, then clearly that must apply to all of his games, not just the wins, right? Well let’s pursue that…

First there’s the last week of the regular season, where his QB ineptitude was quite evident in a 7-3 loss to the Chiefs. The 3 points were a miracle, the result of a fumbled punt return by one of the leading NFL returners setting Denver up in FG range, so there’s the stamp of the Christian god already, for every unexplainable bit of fortune for Tebow MUST be evidence of His intervention. With that in mind, let’s crunch the numbers.

John 2:15 talks about driving everyone out of the temple. The Chiefs drove everyone out of Mile High after Tebow (#15) gave up 2 turnovers.

1 Peter 2:15 speaks of how you can silence fools by doing good. On the 1st day of the year, the Chiefs silenced Tebow fans for the day (well at least an hour or so) when their good work caused 15 to give up 2 turnovers.

It’s the Christian bible people, it can’t be wrong! Ok, so let’s get to the more important studies, the numbers from the 45-10 ass whooping:

Proverbs 12:15 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.

Brady (#12) put on a clinic showing how the position of QB should be played. Only a fool would think after that display that their way of wobbly, inaccurate passing and gimmick runs are the way to victory. Even a supreme being can’t help you if you keep up with that foolishness against the right way of doing things.

John 12:15 Do not be afraid, Daughter Zion; see, your king is coming, seated on a donkey’s colt.

Scripture is never exact, you know. You have to interpret or massage it for its meaning so if you replace “donkey’s colt” with “bronco”, well there you go. The King, Brady, is sitting pretty over the donkey, er, bronco Tim Tebow. But enough of the Brady v. Tebow stuff, let’s focus on the 136 passing yards since after last week’s 316 yards were so evidently the means through which the Christian god communicates.

Corinthians 13:6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

It’s been quite the injustice to football having Tebow hailed as a great QB, and the truth of his play was made evident yesterday, especially compared to the real truth, Tom Brady, but what would a god care about football justice? Let’s dig deeper.

Matthew 13:6 And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away.

Luke 13:6 A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came and sought fruit thereon, and found none.

Indeed, Tebow is no real NFL QB and the QB position is the root for any team’s future. Plant Tebow as your QB of the future and he will not bear you any fruit.

Isaiah 13:6 Scream in terror, for the day of the LORD has arrived–the time for the Almighty to destroy.

Uh oh! Well let’s just hope He’s just focusing on the Broncos’ destruction.

Ezekiel 13:6 Their visions are false and their divinations a lie. They say, “The LORD declares,” when the LORD has not sent them; yet they expect their words to be fulfilled.

Mark 13:6 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.

Acts 13:6 And when they had gone through the isle unto Paphos, they found a certain sorcerer, a false prophet, a Jew, whose name was Barjesus

We’ve got a recurring theme here, which MUST add emphasis to the truth of the message plus it appears THREE TIMES so it must be important. What else can you take from this other than the Big Guy doesn’t care for Tebow (and I”m not talking about Elway when I say the Big Guy, even though it appears Elway doesn’t care for Tebow, either). Afterall, Jesus is credited with saying in Matthew 6:5 “don’t be like a hypocrite that prays in public to make others think better of them” so the Big Guy can’t care much for that damn Tebow pose and the rest of his shtick.

tebow prayer

Well, the Christian bible doesn’t lie so there you go. Perhaps Tim should consider the 45-10 score and think on Isaiah 45:10.

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16 Responses to “Tebow’s Numbers and Scripture”

  1. Live by the sword;die by the sword. Matt 26:52. If you are going to live as if only one book is relevant to your life, then you have to assume that the same book counts the misses along with the hits.

  2. If it weren't for that one intercepted pass that Brady threw that gave the Broncos good field position, the final score likely would have been 45-3.

    I think I saw Timmy use the Lord's name in vain a couple of times last night, especially after they were 1st and goal in the 4th quarter and he couldn't complete a single pass in 4 attempts. At that point, I was like "C'mon Patriots defense, can't you let him have one sympathy touchdown?"

  3. And that's something we always deal with when it comes to religious confirmation bias. God is the architect of all good things but not the bad things, or else the bad things are really good thing but we can't see the good (yet) because we're just mortals and couldn't possibly comprehend the workings of a divine mind (except when it comes to know that it was responsible for something good, pleased with certain actions or beliefs or of course knowing that it hates the people and things you coincidentally hate, too).

    Btw, did you catch the 3:16 ad by Obfuscate With The Family during the game?

  4. They stopped at 45 didn't they? There's your sympathy. They even made Brady punt when they could have easily gotten a 1st down and chugged on to more points. Of course maybe Brady wanted him to look up Isaiah 45:10, so the halt to the scoring might have been more of a dick move than sympathy.

  5. I nearly upchucked this morning when ESPN featured a “Tebow Essay” segment. Why is the fucking media feeding the fundogelical frenzy over this guy? I’m hoping the frenzy will die down now that the Broncos are done for the season. Timmy can spend his downtime preaching and doing god’s work, or trying to learn the fundamentals of his position that he should have learned years ago.

    And did you see the HuffPo piece where Tebow claimed that some Republican candidates sought his endorsement? In true Pat Robertson form, he didn’t name names, etc. This bullshit from the lips of the supposedly aw-shucks, humble boy next door virgin. If he’s humble I’m Catherine Zeta-Jones long-list identical twin sister

  6. Luckily I missed that one and opted for home improvement shows this morning over coffee.

    I did read something from NFL.com describing a Brady/Tebow encounter outside the stadium. Tebow was with the family, Brady with Giselle. Brady wins again! ;)

    Brady would look great in red, wouldn't he? Just sayin'….

  7. That's the only logical explanation I've heard for that. Either that or Bill "The Great Satan" Belichick just wanted absolute certainty to humiliate them further with another record.

  8. I guess that Cunningham punt years ago wasn't during a playoff game. That's the only other time I remember a QB punting.

    I never considered the coaches in this but yes, I suppose having a perceived not so nice coach be the architect of Tebow's demise adds to it. Someone like Ryan would have been good, too. I still think it would have been fun this week hearing Suggs talk about Tebow leading up to a game this weekend, but that's ok. I can wait until they meet next season. That's assuming Tebow is their starter. Elway's press conference was carefully scripted. He gets the chance to be the starter. I also think the whole one-on-one training of Tebow he'll orchestrate in the offseason might actually be a way to make it easier to not start him. Think about it, they can't say he needs more help, more time or anything else if he's still no better after spending an entire offseason with the god of the Broncos, John Elway. Elway can say, "fuck, I did all I could do, but…"

  9. That hot lad is still a virgin? Oh, my…

  10. Praise Jesus?

  11. Hey

    I just wanted to let you know I've been reading through some of our old tit-for-tats and there is some seriously outrageously funny stuff strewn across the interwebs with our names on it (cf. Ebonmuse's little tizzy over me "messing up his papers" as you so eloquently described it. Ah, I actually miss you little wimps.

    If nothing else, cheers to a good laugh – jackass!

  12. Sounds like you need a hobby… or a job.

  13. I can't believe Tebow is on the Jets now. Now I have to root for him! LOL!

  14. No you don't. ;)

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  16. Sounds like you need a hobby… or a job.

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