Today is the day all the annoying Christians will disappear off the face of the Earth and we can claim their stuff left behind. Unfortunately for some of us, we live in areas where there aren’t that many “Rapture-Ready” people, so it’s going to be quite a fight this weekend. The prizes will be few and far between so aside from pure luck, I think the big winners will be those who’ve scoped out well to do religionists in their areas prior to today. I’m currently awaiting news that my targets are gone so that I can be first to swoop in, however they have two kids, 15 and 20, and we all know they won’t be raptured. I mean come on, outside of the South what are the odds that anyone that age would be indulging in religion to the degree necessary to be raptured away? They’re going to present a challenge, no doubt.
Of course it’s already the 22nd in Japan, so we should be hearing about people disappearing already, right? Not necessarily since Japan is one of the most secular nations, behind only the Scandinavian countries perhaps, so we’ll have to wait a bit longer today, I guess. China? Nope. Russia? Maybe, but despite the number of professed Christians there, are they really the “right” kind of Christians? In other words, are they doing it “right”, are they truly “Rapture Ready”? I think the “Rapture Ready” crowd would say no to that, as well as Greek Orthodox or certainly Catholics so when will we start to see people disappearing? Probably not until the holy tractor beam passes over the eastern US, but even then it shouldn’t be noticeable until the South falls under the beam.
I think it would be funny if some dark horses won the Rapture prize. Wouldn’t it be funny if Westboro disappeared? I know it would be great for us left behind. Same thing for the snake handlers and the KKK. Now it would be devastating for the Mormons and other anti-gay Christians if the gay-friendly churches got Raptured, but then we who are left behind would get the worse end of the deal, except that the gay houses would be nice to take over, what with the art and abundance of antiques and Mission style furniture.
So I hope you all have your targets ready and are watching, or else you’ll be fighting it out like on a Black Friday morning when there are only a few iPads left. Good luck with that.