“I don’t look like that!”

That’s one possible answer for why the infamous “Touchdown Jesus” of Solid Rock Church in Cincinnati got struck by lightning and burned to the ground, that Jesus just wasn’t happy with the likeness. It could possibly be because he got annoyed with the name “Touchdown Jesus”, which then opens the door for any number of reasons why he might be annoyed. Maybe he doesn’t care for football. Maybe he just doesn’t care for the Bengals. Maybe he felt trumped in a way by football and that it wasn’t showing him the proper respect he feels he deserves. We could spend days going down this path.

Perhaps Yahweh finally had enough of his kid getting all the attention. Perhaps he was looking down and thought, “why doesn’t anyone make likenesses of me anymore?” In an exhibition of that old school, old testament rage, he let fly one of those bolts. Perhaps Yahweh prefers the name “Allah” and he doesn’t care for this deification of Jesus. Maybe Zeus is making a comeback. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The point is, you can spin this anyway you want because it’s all unsubstantiated nonsense. Religious claims are just fanciful tales, and they can be spun anyway one needs them to be spun. This is especially true for a situation like this, when there’s seemingly no explanation for an event. Many can’t handle that, and need to silence that anxiety. When you think about it, religion is essentially self medication, a means to treat the anxiety one has. That anxiety can be about all kinds of things like death, a sudden bad, unexplainable event, what might happen tomorrow, or perhaps dissatisfaction with one’s career, marriage, or general lot in life.

So no doubt the members of this church will cook up some rationale for this “act of god” in order to deal with the anxiety. Perhaps it’s punishment for some sin. Maybe each member will internalize this as punishment for some sin of theirs. If the leader of the church is smart, perhaps he’ll encourage that, with the obvious release being increased donations as penance. Clearly though, this was a supernatural event. I mean, just look at this statement:

The amphitheater, statue and surrounding area had lightning resisters and grounding rods to dispense lightning into the ground, but for some reason they did not work, Neu said.

For some reason indeed!

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15 Responses to ““I don’t look like that!””

  1. Is anyone taking odds on Oral Roberts' Praying Hands getting zapped next?

  2. The lightning bolt definantly touched down, haha.

  3. Clearly this is a Garden of Gethsemane moment. Jeebus was asking "the father" why should he die, and the father replied by striking him down. Anyone who's a fan of Jesus Christ Superstar should know that. :-P

  4. But was that lightning from the Xian gØd, or from natural forces, or from a rival pagan gØd? The implications are very different for each scenario. :-)

  5. I think the touchdown Jesus once again saved everyone. God gave his only son's statue to deliver Mankind from being struck down by lightning. "Forgive me father, for I know not what the fuck you're doing."

    Actually, if you look at the top photo, and combine the statue with its reflection, it looks like a whirling dervish Jesus with the back flap of his Dr. Denton's unsnapped. I'm sure that must have offended his dad.

  6. It would have been awesome if it were accompanied by music from Jesus Christ Superstar. Even Rock Me Sexy Jesus from Hamlet 2 would have been cool. Unfortunately, no accounts of music reported, but some of the 911 reports were pretty funny. My favorite was someone reporting that the right hand was on fire and then asking, "is that supposed to happen?"

  7. Quotation of Artabanis, advisor of Xerxes:

    See how god with his lightning always smites the bigger animals and will not suffer them to wax insolent, while those of lesser bulk chafe him not? How likewise his bolts fall ever on the highest houses and the tallest trees. So, plainly, he doth loves to bring down everything that exalts itself.

    For you see, Jesus should not have exalted himself above the lightning rod.

  8. Perhaps End Times® was just really lame. Like when you think you're going to see Metallica and end up seeing Stryper instead.

  9. Stryper! Where are those clowns now?

  10. It did save the adult bookstore across the street from being struck by lightning.

    And if the church had followed the name of the church (Solid Rock), it wouldn't have burned.

    My first thought when I saw this was, "That's what you call ironic."

  11. It did save the adult bookstore across the street from being struck by lightning.

    Of course. Jesus loves porn.

  12. Apparently, they are invading the "Holy Land" next year, with a handful of bible-thumping fans:


    What's the opposite of awesome?

  13. [...] in atheism, humor, religion 0 One of last week’s more bizarre news stories was the destruction by lightning of the huge Touchdown Jesus statue that dominated a church campus in [...]

  14. These structures are really made beautifully and they could be seen with different kind of views by others. I really love reading your blogs and I hope that you will post your next one very soon.

  15. Stryper! Where are those clowns now?

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