My Magical Healing Powers

kick-ass

There’s an epidemic at my university, and it’s probably at a lot of other institutions, homes, and so forth. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen stricken, unable to work or function. Swine flu? Oh no, that’s kids stuff. I’m talking about laziness. I’ve got people everywhere I look exhibiting symptoms. Who’s missing work, missing school, doing work half assed, doing it late, or just skipping it altogether. Well fear not, for I’ve discovered I have magical healing powers, well, at least when it comes to treating this epidemic.

You see, I’ve had a number of students who’ve insisted that they should have more time to do their work, claiming that it’s simply impossible to accomplish what I tell them to do in light of their other workloads, their health problems, their computer woes, transportation troubles, jobs, and a few more colorful reasons. All of those excuses are examples of laziness. To all of these I’ve said, “you will make it so, or else” and ZIM-ZALABIM, they were healed and no longer afflicted with laziness, allowing for them to accomplish their goals on time. Astounding!

Of course, power begets power. What I mean is, I have the power to make good on the “or else”, which means I can compel action, action many otherwise would not be capable of on their own due to their affliction of laziness. Oh the headiness of power! I can see its addiction. Imagine if rather than repeating again and again and again and again to someone online why their logic is flawed, their beliefs unwarranted, their rationales irrational, their ignorance palpable and dripping with willful desire to preserve itself, you could compel them to snap out of it. Wouldn’t you love to compel a YEC to complete some science courses or the new agey jackass with his suppositions about life energy and an afterlife to complete a course on logic and argumentation?

Alas we can’t, and there’s no law in the US against choosing to be ignorant. Sadly laziness is not recognized by the CDC, either. There are millions of people who require a boot up their ass, but they’ll never get help. There’s a group for a charity run or a telethon, huh? Anyway, to some small degree, in my teeny tiny slice of the world, I can offer help. I can apply my magical healing boot up a few, select asses and, at least temporarily, make a difference.

Remember, if I don’t kill you, I’ll be making you stronger. You’re welcome.

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15 Responses to “My Magical Healing Powers”

  1. To all of these I’ve said, “you will make it so, or else” and ZIM-ZALABIM, they were healed and no longer afflicted with laziness, allowing for them to accomplish their goals on time. Astounding!

    Amazing what fire under the ass will do, ain't it?

    Oh the headiness of power! I can see its addiction.

    What a surprise! Dominating bullies who claim they're "almost always right" are often enamored by power. Scary, if you ask me.

    Imagine if rather than repeating again and again and again and again to someone online why their logic is flawed, their beliefs unwarranted, their rationales irrational, their ignorance palpable and dripping with willful desire to preserve itself, you could compel them to snap out of it.

    Imagine if rather than listening to Philly merely repeat himself and the same old insults, you could compel him to slow down, and actually form cogent arguments showing why any or all of the things the people he disagrees with are irrational or ignorant?

    Wouldn’t you love to compel a YEC to complete some science courses or the new agey jackass with his suppositions about life energy and an afterlife to complete a course on logic and argumentation?

    Or, "wouldn't you love to compel a fundamentalist atheist like PhillyChief to stop merely asserting correctness and calling names long enough to even look at some of the evidence which challenges his position?"

    Alas, I doubt that will happen unless something inside you changes, because to date your mind is already made up: in your own words, you're "almost always right." That says it all; no wonder you got so bent at T4T when he realized it, too!

    There are millions of people who require a boot up their ass.. I can apply my magical healing boot up a few, select asses and, at least temporarily, make a difference.

    You know, you could always try supporting your own beliefs – or at least supporting your blind faith rejection of others' beliefs – if magical healing gets too hard.

  2. Well, see, you have a blog, so at least you get respek…

  3. Well, see, you have a blog, so at least you get respek…

    Not quite ildi – aside from what's intrinsically due all human beings, Philly gets absolutely zero respect from me, mostly just because of his mouth, but also because of the way he avoids defending his beliefs when challenged. Hopefully this might finally get you to see what others are saying, instead of seeing what you want to see. Owning a blog != warrant for respect.

    And, I would respect you any time you wanted to drop the BS and get real. Honestly – who respects hecklers?

  4. Wouldn’t you love to compel a YEC to complete some science courses or the new agey jackass with his suppositions about life energy and an afterlife to complete a course on logic and argumentation?

    Google U. is so convenient, though! Who needs college degrees and such, when anyone can become an expert in mere days, nay hours! I don't even engage the "anti-Darwinists" on the science anymore, if ever; only on what they consider a reliable source and why.

  5. All too many people don't really want to learn, they just want to look smart by putting on the appearance of learning. It's all really just psuedo-intellectualism, and that's the big appeal that religion has to offer. If you can look like you are inspired by a higher intelligence by rolling around on the floor and spouting "halleluja" and "we're saved", then that significantly lowers the bar (to retard caveman level) for what a higher intelligence really is. The problem is that being a holy roller doesn't cause the computer to animate things, people actually need to do something that falls within the realm of causality if they want to make it in the real world in anything besides religious scamming of people.

  6. I have magical healing powers

    Do you have solid evidence for this claim? If so, to what office in the Vatican should I direct my recommendation that you be considered for sainthood? If you're canonized, Chiefs fans will have their own saint to whom they can pray for intervention (and maybe an occasional win) for their team. It's worth considering. ;)

  7. Unfortunately, I think I have to be dead first before being considered a saint, no?

    If only the Chiefs could play the Redskins every week. ;)

  8. It is really frightening how many students are completely out of touch with their abilities. I recently started classes with a rant which involved explaining how wanting a job in this industry is merely the starting point, the impetus, and not the entirety of what's needed to get that job.

    It's yet another symptom from the clusterfuck of education and rearing Millennials have received. You combine the New Games (games where there are no winners or losers) with parents enrolling their little snowflakes in 20 different activities so they never get the opportunity to, nor the appreciation for what it takes to actually become good at any one thing and you have this mentality that whatever one wishes to do, they can. That's bullshit.

    In my class they learn they're not precious little snowflakes, unique and beautiful in their own right. They learn they're a dime a dozen, and that no one gives a shit about them unless they give people a reason to care, a reason to notice them amidst the throng of others out there. That's the real world.

    Oh, and I recently had a student complain that "I guess people don't get sick in the real world." They do, only they do what they can to compensate for the setback, all the while prepared for and willing to accept the consequences of failing to do so.

    Kids today!

  9. Wow, you sound like a good teacher.

  10. If only the Chiefs could play the Redskins every week.

    We'd both be pretty frustrated when the game ended in a 0-0 tie.

  11. Not what happened last time.

  12. Oh, yeah! I'd forgotten that the Chiefs have already beaten the Skins this year. At 14-6, the score wasn't much higher than my 0-0 scenario. Still, a win is a win. As everyone knows, it doesn't take many points to beat the Skins this year. There's lots of heartbreak in Skins country these days.

  13. In my class they learn they're not precious little snowflakes, unique and beautiful in their own right. They learn they're a dime a dozen, and that no one gives a shit about them unless they give people a reason to care, a reason to notice them amidst the throng of others out there. That's the real world.

    I kinda like that, now think macro. Though I do believe we're each "special," the realness is where it's at. I'd be willing to be that as much as it is certainly painful to lose creations, this has to be God's response to those who refuse to open to Him: there are others who will, and therein He can work. I believe too many Christians accept a watered-down sort of "peace, love and joy" philosophy that turns God Almighty into a simp.

  14. comment5,

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