This time of year, everyone is debating how to greet one another. Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas? Merry X-mas? How do you even say that? Do you literally say the letter “X”? Anyway, I certainly have no problem saying “Merry Christmas” since that’s the name of the federal holiday, and since it’s a federal holiday, that means it’s a secular holiday. Back in the day, faced with the problems of so many people wanting to avoid work on Dec. 25th, the government decided the practical course of action was to just make the 25th a federal holiday. It was not, as some asshats like O’Reilly would have you believe, a federal celebration of Christianity and/or an acknowledgment of any of the following:
• the existence of Jesus
• his birth on the 25th of December
• any claim that he’s divine
• that his birth was miraculous
• that the US favors Christianity uber alles
So all you Christians who are caught up in the “War on Christmas”, you’re fighting the wrong opponents. The entities who stole Christmas away from you were the government and the retail market. Go fight with them to reclaim your holiday. They’ve declared it to be something else, something secular, and thus usurped it from you, much like how your predecessors usurped this holiday season from others who saw it as a celebration of the Solstice, Saturnalia, birth of Mithra, Odin’s most glorious bowel movement, or whatever.
Anyway, enough with all that. I say it’s time to play “Play Along with Christians”. Never heard of it? Oh, it’s fun. See, you first accept something from Christianity and then follow that to it’s logical conclusion(s). Sound easy? Well if not, just read along and perhaps it’ll become clear. So in the spirit of Christmas, let’s grant them the miraculous birth of Jesus. I know, quite generous. It’s okay, it’s part of the game. So the story goes Jesus’ momma, Mary, was a virgin. Debate exists over what’s a virgin, for instance some kids who have gone through Abstinence only sex-ed think anything but vaginal intercourse (including but not limited to anal and oral sex) is ok and you can still be a virgin. To try to avoid most arguments, let’s just settle on virgin = no vaginal penetration. Alright, so no vaginal penetration means the vagina maintains its hymen (for those unfamiliar with vaginal anatomy or just hymens, here ya go). Now that means that when Jesus was born, Mary still had her hymen. You see where I’m going with this? That’s right, when Jesus was born, he busted Mary’s hymen on the way out, assuming he wasn’t wee wee wee small, Joseph didn’t plow her while she was pregnant (some guys are into that) and they didn’t perform a c-section. Sooooo, this holiday for Christians in fact marks the most important busted hymen in history!
So don’t know what to say at this time of year? Well for your Christian friends, tell them, “Happy Miraculously Busted Hymen Day!” You’ll be glad you did, and see ya next time for another game of “Play Along with Christians”.