Eat Me, unless…


Guiliani is in hot water because he took communion during the pope’s visit which is a no-no if you’re not onboard with forced maternity, otherwise known as anti-abortion.

According to Cardinal Egan, he had “an understanding” with Guiliani that he would have to go hungry on savior. No body, no blood, not even a “little gnosh”. Well you know what they say, savior is like potato chips. It’s hard to quit, and it must have been unbearable watching EVERYONE around you savoring that great taste of savior. Christ, he’s only human!

Egan has been calling him trying to set up a meeting but it appears Guiliani has been ducking his calls. I don’t blame him. He looks like a cranky puss.

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13 Responses to “Eat Me, unless…”

  1. Great post, philly. I’m a recovering catholic married to a recovering jew. I remember how bad I felt going to communion during church years ago when we were 18 or so and he was forced to sit there alone and let everyone pass to get up for a little savior gnosh. It’s like a red letter, if you ask me. Look at the little sorry jew boy sitting there like the heathen he is. HE doesn’t get any savior, he’d spontaneously combust, you know.

    LOL.

  2. I love that picture of jesus! :)

  3. That’s Caravaggio. You gotta love Caravaggio. I thought of this painting right off the bat. I don’t know if anyone ever thought to use a doubting Thomas image in an ‘eat me’ context before. Maybe I’m the first. Savior sushi! Oh wait, no rice. Savior sashimi! Could you imagine that in church? I wonder if you’d have to bring your own little saucer of soy sauce and a blob of wasabi or whether they’d provide that. Oh who am I kidding? You’d have to bring your own. Cheap bastards.

    Would the Koreans bury him in a jar with lots of garlic and red pepper for like a week first? Kim Chi-sus. Yum.

  4. Hey, I think you’ve stumbled on a great idea here: The Body of Christ Cookbook.

    Later on, if that takes off, you can compile:
    Body of Christ in the Italian Kitchen and The Joy of Cooking with the Body of Christ.

  5. Can the former catholics out there explain to me when exactly that shitty wafer magically becomes savior flesh? Is it savior before or after it gets shoved in your mouth? If before, why hasn’t anybody tested for dna?

    Also, why aren’t you supposed to chew that thing? He hardly melts in your mouth, and it’s too big to just choke down. Man that thing was yucky. Maybe because I didn’t believe in all that magic stuff happening. Maybe for the believers he tasted like chicken.

  6. Philly, it’s some point during the liturgy of the eucharist that it transforms magically. I think when the priest holds it up.
    I actually liked the taste of those things. Num. I remember one day as a kid before church in the back room with a whole bowl of crunchy savior, my mom let me just munch away, gorging on holiness. But it wasn’t “transubstanciated” yet or whatever the frack that word is they use, so feel free to steal the holy communion, honey!
    I also remember some hooey about if the host gets dropped it has to be saved forever in some way and the spot on the floor gets chalk drawn around it and nobody is supposed to ever step there. It was a long time ago, I could be wrong about all this. Also, savior can’t be macerated and deposited with a bunch of regular ole’ food, so you’re not supposed to eat for an hour before taking communion.
    My mother actually BELIEVES that cracker turns LITERALLY into Jesus’ body. REALLY believes it.
    mmmmhmmmm. Can’t wrap my brain around that one.
    A.

  7. I remember it being dry and tasteless. I guess it could be Jesus flesh. He was a desert dweller, so his meat would be dry, right?

    I never heard that bit about hitting the floor. So when exactly does savior leave the wafer? First, during the ritual, I’m sure more wafers are infused then people who actually walk up for a gnosh. Where do they go? Are they kept in a special place? They’re not put back in the box with the un-infused wafers, are they? Will the savior leak away so that they have to be re-infused at the next mass? And what about when you consume savior? At what point does it leave the wafer and get into your blood stream? Isn’t it possible that some savior may make it all the way through, like some chili or a kernel of corn, re-emerging in the porcelain pool? Wouldn’t it then be a sin to flush some savior, or would it instead be a blessing to share some savior with the rats and roaches who live at the other end of the plumbing?

  8. Oh my gosh you crack me up.

    Actually they put the un-gnoshed savior in a special box in the back behind the altar. You’ll love this…when you walk by this box you are required to genuflect. Kneel with reverence and cross yourself, basically.

    Then they take them out at the next mass and do it all over again. Not sure where jesus goes inbetween the last mass and that next one, but they do it again! Maybe some of those wafers are just overloaded with jesus and the person who gets the one that’s been infused over and over again actually gets a stigmata or something because they are so full of savior. LOL.

  9. Nice, savior double-stuffs.

  10. Later on, if that takes off, you can compile:
    Body of Christ in the Italian Kitchen and The Joy of Cooking with the Body of Christ.

    And let’s not forget the ever popular Wine Lovers Guide to the Savior’s Blood

    As for the hosts, my grandmother used to be the house frau for the Catholic Charities Home for Unwed Mothers. They had a chapel in there, and she used to keep bags of those hosts in the kitchen. My sister and I used to eat them like candy. They had a mildly sweet tatse if I remember correctly.

  11. Wine Lovers Guide to the Savior’s Blood

    This may make me give up reds completely.

  12. Isn’t it possible that some savior may make it all the way through, like some chili or a kernel of corn, re-emerging in the porcelain pool? Wouldn’t it then be a sin to flush some savior, or would it instead be a blessing to share some savior with the rats and roaches who live at the other end of the plumbing?

    What a wonderful question for the Church’s theologians to ponder! I wonder if any of them ever have? Does the excrement of Catholics in good standing incorporate, even in attenuated form, the body and blood of Christ? If the consecrated wafer needs such careful handling, what of these Divine Turds?

    The question almost implies a kind of pantheism. The sewer systems in Catholic countries would be saturated with holiness, eventually diffusing to the whole of nature.

  13. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Ruth

    http://muffinsnow.com

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