Zombie Jesus Day


Yes folks, it’s that time of year again to celebrate Zombie Jesus Day. But why celebrate a zombie you ask? Well we’re not celebrating the zombie, but instead use this day to remind everyone of the dangers of zombies and how to properly deal with them. Zombie Jesus is worth celebrating for his is a cautionary tale of what tragedies and devastation can be wrought from just one zombie if not properly dealt with.

First there’s the Roman Centurion who thought he was killing this thing. Anyone see the problem?

That’s right, he speared him in the side and thought his work was done. No, no, no. Everyone should know that the only way to put down a zombie for good is to destroy the brain. As this instruction sheet shows, If you destroy the brain, you defeat the zombie. For those of you not into reading, here are simple visual instructions:

So what’s the harm in allowing zombies to “live”? Aside from the stink they give off and the obvious hygiene issue, there’s of course the desire they have to eat your brains, which is particularly nasty.

What we see, through Zombie Jesus, is perhaps the worst thing a zombie can do, and that’s found a religion. Now this may seem to have nothing to do with zombies desiring to eat your brains, but in fact is quite an ingenious scheme to devour the brains of countless millions, and having them voluntarily, often happily, offer their brains for sacrifice. Yes, that Jesus Zombie is a clever bastard. Every day it feeds on brains.

Leaving victims helplessly incapable of being able to think clearly, if at all.

So remember, If you destroy the brain, you defeat the zombie. I can’t emphasize that enough. We can’t deal with these things roaming around causing mayhem.

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11 Responses to “Zombie Jesus Day”

  1. Hilarious post Philly! I’m definitely linking to it.

  2. If we can’t destroy the zombie’s brain, then the only way to protect ourselves is to prevent the zombie from consuming our brains. The best way I know of to do this is to fill our brains with stuff the zombie doesn’t like to eat, like knowledge and morality.

  3. Now we know that Jesus’s middle initial isn’t “H” as previously thought. It’s Jesus Z. Christ.

    chappy:
    Thanks for the preventative information. I’m going to begin memorizing the encyclopedia as soon as I finish typing this comment.

    And now I’m wondering if the loaves and fishes weren’t just made from Soylent Green.

  4. Now I know what Jesus never seems to have come back after 2000 years.

    He actually did. He’s just too busy in Hollywood doing bit parts in Shaun of the Dead and Michael Jackson’s Thriller video.

  5. Well I think the idea of souring the milk for the Jesus Zombie is good, Chaplain. Wasn’t that a STNG episode?

    I think the bit parts he does are the occasional wood grain, cheeto and garage stain, SI.

    What do zombies and soylent green have in common? They’re made of people!

    Thanks Brian.

  6. Very funny, Philly.

  7. Great Zombie Fighting info.

    Blogroll’d you, so you’d better keep up the good work.

  8. people hate Jesus because they wanna be their own lord…no other gods (buddah etc.) rage war within the hearts of men because they are false…admit it, deep down you don't know for sure Jesus isn't God, I mean, there's no way you will ever know for sure if you don't know Him… Your ignorance is chilling & you really have no clue what your messing with – believe me friend, you will learn the truth one day & I sincerely hope it's in this life time.

  9. Why do people who profess to have something so important to say always do it anonymously?

    Guess what Sparky? You don’t know your zombie king is a god anymore than Tom Cruise knows Xenu. That “feeling” you have about your god could just be gas.

  10. …admit it, deep down you don’t know for sure Jesus isn’t God, I mean, there’s no way you will ever know for sure if you don’t know Him…

    So he exists because…we’ll never know for sure?

    Makes perfect sense. Yea, I’ll change my whole life around on that theory.

    Guess what Sparky? … That “feeling” you have about your god could just be gas.

    You know what happens when you put sparks and gas together, now don’t you?

  11. You are supposed to be having good sense of humor so you are able to make such fantasy about such things. But I think that you are supposed to be giving some respect to Jesus.

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