Mortal Sins Expansion Pack

There’s a new expansion pack for the catholics with new mortal sins. Here they are, your new 7:
• Polluting the environment
• Genetic modification
• Carrying out experiments on humans
• Causing poverty
• Causing social injustice
• Becoming obscenely wealthy
• Taking drugs

Now aside from the hilarity that is the idea of “new” sins declared, what’s truly funny is the catholic church is guilty of at least three of these. Let’s jump to social injustice, shall we? How about dooming Africa and to a lesser extent Latin America to both increased poverty, hunger and of course AIDS? How? By condemning condom use, and when threatening that “use a condom and go to hell” doesn’t work they try saying they’re immoral in South Africa, unsafe in Nigeria, simply condemning them for prison use in Malawi, showing up the Lula administration in Brazil, and across four continents they claimed condoms “have tiny holes in them through which HIV can pass”. The reasons are quite clear. With all those catholics dying, it’s imperative that new ones be made (although for the prisons I’m sure it’s just to ensure those damn gays all die from that goddammned butt sex). And if too many are being made then can be cared for due to lack of money or food? Well you can always sell them to rich infertile catholics in America and Europe, which not just ensures future catholics, but future wealthy catholics (can you say “tithe”?). Oh and this is a curious one. There are of course other social injustices I could list like it’s patriarchal structure excluding women from power and it’s not so great opinion of women in general and um, gosh what else? There was something I can’t quite remember… ah, right, of course, the MOLESTING CHILDREN AND SHUFFLING OF PRIESTS so they’d escape justice and go on to MOLEST EVEN MORE CHILDREN. I’m guessing you all don’t need links for any of that, now do you? Ok, good. Where was I?

Right, the “obscene” wealth. Now really, “obscene” is a subjective word, is it not? I mean, is it REALLY obscene to blow $9 million on a pope’s funeral (scroll down to July 12)? I mean, they also elected a new pope so it was like a two-for! Certainly if you poke around online about supposed wealth of the Vatican you’ll find nifty tales about how their operational budget is less that of Harvard’s and other tales that they are poor, poor, poor. However, there are books likethis, and this and more here for instance that say otherwise. Oh and of course there was this movie based on this. Then of course there’s AlJazeera’s take which just sounds credible due to the Brit accent, but whatever. Still, I think the gaudy outfits and the ring you have to kiss is plenty obscene enough.

Now hey, as for the polluting the environment and experimenting on humans, yeah, I’m with you. Very bad stuff and that’s great they want to tell people that’s bad but honestly, what’s this all REALLY about, eh? Well according to the pope, the “decreasing sense of sin” in today’s “secularised world,” and falling rates of catholics going to confession are a problem. This is indeed a problem for the pope since if people don’t feel they’re full of sin, then how else can the church control them? Plus, with no sense of sin, then no urge to confess, which means why go to church? Quite a problem for the pope and his minions. As I said above, they’re working on the dropping numbers with the whole “say no to condoms” thing but still, aside from the numbers they need control and for that they need to be viable. So how better then, if the old sins aren’t doing it, to make new ones? Brilliant, I say! That Vatican knows how to maintain marketability but I REALLY have to question the choices for the new seven, especially when it’s guilty of at least 3 of them. That seems odd. I wish they had called me first. I could give them some ideas. They might not like them, but they’d go over a lot better. For instance what about molesting children? And add aiding and abetting those who molest children? I’m sure others here could suggest a few more. Hell, anyone could have suggested ones that you’re not guilty of yourself. I mean, duh!

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17 Responses to “Mortal Sins Expansion Pack”

  1. You really have to wonder what went on at that committee meeting:

    Archbishop Whosis: Hey, I’ve got one. “Eating too much fast food.”
    Archbishop Whatsis: Nah. How about “Dressing up in a Catholic School Girl outfit if you’re not actually a Catholic School Girl”?
    Benny: Uh-uh. But listen to this suggestion. “Buying a book by an atheist.”
    Whosis: Too dull for a mortal sin. “Having gay sex with altar boys.”
    Whatsis: Hey, wait a minute. I do that.
    Whosis: Well, I sometimes dress up as a Catholic School Girl!
    Benny: “Reading anything by an atheist.”
    Whosis: I’ve got it. I’ve got it. “Carrying out experiments on humans.”
    Whatsis: Does fooling around with little boys count as “carrying out experiments.”
    Whosis: Do you make notes?
    Whatsis: No. Maybe a coupla snapshots once in a while.
    Whosis: Well, that doesn’t sound like “experiments” to me.
    Benny: Wait. Wait. I’ve got a great one. “Voting for a Democrat in America.”

  2. Fabulous post. I love the graphic too. Leave it to you to put a gaming spin on it: expansion pack – LOL! That answers my question about whether the new sins replace the old ones or are in addition to them. As if I really needed to ask. When it comes to sins and guilt, the Lord giveth, but he never taketh away.

  3. It’s like Lenten price gouging!

  4. After just reading the headline I laughed. I mean, new ones? Are you kidding me? Can we be any more blatant about this being make believe? I didn’t think gaming though until after I wrote the post, or else maybe I would have written it differently, like a game review. Oh well. I’ve been reading game reviews, btw, because I’ve been looking for a new game for my PS3.

    Anyway, I think they should have added the fast food one, Ex. That shit is nasty, and it would be a good one for them since if you die early, which you will, that’s a lot of lost revenue for the church. Perhaps they’d have to preface it with eating an “obscene” amount of fast food. I personally think the schoolgirl uniform should be a sin, since that just ramps up the appeal, doesn’t it?

    This isn’t just for lent, it’s forever now and yes, it’s an expansion. What good does it serve the catholics to take away any sins? That’s defeats the whole purpose of making people feel dirty and shameful and wanting to go to mass and give money and all that shit which this is all really about. That’s what it’s always about.

  5. HA! I had written dye instead of die in the post. I must have had eggs on the brain. LOL

  6. Jeez, I’m a god damned atheist and I already knew all this crap was wrong. You mean to tell me that all those brains in the Church are just figuring this out?

    Ah, well, I guess they were just too busy trying to make nice-nice about all those boy butts on their conscience and didn’t have time to get their other heads into the twenty-first century.

  7. Well I don’t know if they’re ALL wrong. How do you prove “causing poverty”? Ok sure, there are many obvious examples but also some not so obvious. Let’s say two guys compete for a job and only one can get it. They both NEED the job, you know? The guy who gets it, is he guilty for causing the other’s poverty? Is the employer to blame for having only one job opening? Is Bush responsible for the state of the economy that brought this situation about? Complicated.

    Then there’s genetic modification. What if you could eliminate or alter the genes responsible for MS. That’s a sin? Is experimenting on humans who agree to be guinea pigs still a sin? Think for a moment about terminal cancer or AIDS patients willing to try experimental drugs or procedures.

    Drugs. What kind of drugs? Is it only a sin if the drugs are illegal? What if before you die the drugs are legalized? Would that save you from hell? Should you forego ALL drugs, including pharmaceuticals? Would it be a sin still if you took viagra so that you could procreate and make new catholics?

  8. As Philly points out, the biggest sin of all is not dropping your offering into the plate. The new sins are just more advertising for the ultimate product: absolution from guilt.

    Still, I can’t see any Catholic going into the confessional to tell the priest that he failed to recycle that week, or made too much money, or took a Prilosec.

  9. The sin was take drugs, right? What if you slip someone a drug? Have you sinned? Has the victim sinned? What if you knew you weren’t going to get laid tonight if the Mrs. has heartburn so you slip her a Prilosec? What if that lovin’ night results in a new catholic, is it still a sin?

    Of course it’s all about fucking guilt. You have to feel guilty and miserable in order to want to go to church. It’s a fucking racket.

  10. Loved it! Especially the part about the cost of the pope’s funeral. Stinkin’ hilarious.
    Thanks.

  11. Read this Philly:

    http://conservativecolloquium.wordpress.com/2008/03/12/there-are-no-new-deadly-sins/

    Me and the ol’ Catholic Church go way way back and I surely have my issues with them but I believe this sheds a new light on this popular story.

  12. You really gotta love the Catholic Church, at least for their balls. Remember when they demoted a shitload of saints? We used to pray to St. Christopher, the guy that always lugged Jesus across the stream. Turns out he didn’t exist. So they had us praying to an non-existent supernatural being.

    I guess they figured it was good practice for the real thing.

  13. And this is topical.

  14. Oh those crazy scamps. :)

  15. SI – that link was great. Jesus & Mo is a great comic.

  16. Action requries knowledge, and now I can act!

  17. HA! I had written dye instead of die in the post. I must have had eggs on the brain. LOL

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