Luv Mor Humans

Well get yours while you can, Floridians, because as this article reports there’s a bill pending to finally make bestiality a first degree felony, but there’s some hope for you farmyard fuckers, apparently there’s still room for compromise to lessen the penalty in order for it to pass. Let me repeat that, there’s still room for compromise to lessen the penalty in order for it to pass. Yes, there seems to be concern that although there’s probably enough votes to pass, there might not be enough Representatives to think bestiality is THAT bad. Oh Florida, if it weren’t for you providing a place for most of our seniors to die, I think we’d have to let you go.

This especially got my attention because while arguing with some religious moron on another site, he gave the usual stupid response in regards to gay marriage – it’ll lead to polygamy, pedophilia and bestiality. Real quick, let me explain why that’s stupid. The issue is concerning consenting adults so that eliminates the pedophilia and yes, it doesn’t say explicitly adult “human”, but the implication is very clear (well, everywhere but Florida up until now), so goodbye bestiality argument. What’s that leave us? Multiple spouses. Well personally I don’t care about that but that would be a whole new argument, wholly separate from same sex marriage and I fail to see what if any precedent would be set in same sex marriage that would give the multiple spouses argument a legal leg to stand on. That would be an entirely new and independent argument with countless legal ramifications not present in the same sex marriage issue. One that comes to mind immediately is not being able to compel a spouse to testify in court against their spouse. It’s easy to imagine a criminal organization suddenly declaring all it’s members married to escape subpoenas.

So that got me thinking, where does Florida stand on gay marriage? Well it just refused to recognize a gay marriage. Alrighty, well what else does Florida deem unseemly? It’s illegal to participate in oral sex, illegal to have an erection that shows through your clothes, and it may just be illegal to have sex with another human in Florida if a judge decided that sex was “lascivious”:

800.02 Unnatural and lascivious act.
A person who commits any unnatural and lascivious act with another person commits a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083

There’s also still a law on Florida’s books that says sodomy will get you 60 days in jail and a $500 fine (this was invalidated by 2003 Supreme Court decision Lawrence v Texas, but you’d still have to go to court if someone really wanted to, um, fuck you over). So in other words, Florida feels compelled to call all this unseemly and illegal, yet animals? Up until this bill passes, no problem. Well I guess at least they’re starting to wake up, but they still have a long way to go. As Janeane Garofalo said in some forgettable chick flick I was made to watch some years ago, you can love your pet, but just don’t LOVE your pet. Got that Florida? Now if you can just learn to love each other more.

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15 Responses to “Luv Mor Humans”

  1. ex,I like your comment in regards to humanality. I think you missed one miscreant though – leg humping dogs!

  2. Great post and absolutely hilarious! With the obvious exception of children and animals (which reminds me of DaVinci’s post on the ethical treatment of animals) it amazes me how people in this country remain so concerned about other peoples’ coital quirks. Perhaps if we weren’t so sexually repressed to begin with about consenting adults we wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of deviance. Unbelievable.

  3. Well, I don’t see why the animals should get a free pass. It takes two to make a relationship. If humans get penalized for bestiality, then shouldn’t cows, goats, pigs, sheep, gerbils, manatees, yellow-rumped warblers, mole skinks, ghost crabs, sea cucumbers, and weevils get punished for humanality. I think the Florida legislature should have to name and particularize each species it’s illegal to fuck.

    And then what about plants? Haven’t Floridians noticed what a great threat tree-diddlers pose to society?

  4. Alas, nobody ever thinks of the poor plants.

    Btw, How funny was it to read the detailed description of what would be illegal under the new bill? “…any penetration, however slight…”. Nice. I suppose if that wasn’t in there, you’d have some defense attorney arguing, “your Honor, my client only inserted the head, not the shaft”. Lawyers! This is why the coffee you buy now has warnings printed on it and shampoo comes with directions, and warns of misuse.

  5. Ah, everybody’s always taking it out on the lawyers– it’s not lawyers, it’s the people we represent! If folks could keep themselves out of that kind of trouble then we wouldn’t have to resort to these kinds of arguments. I mean, really, you think any one of us would want to get up in court to argue the “shaft defense” with a straight face? No way!

  6. Ah, The Shaft Defense.
    Sounds like a great flick.

    Here’s my favorite line from the article (the boldface and caps are mine): Last year, a Walton County man RAPED a pregnant goat …

    Question: If you want to have sex with a goat, how do you make sure its consensual?

  7. Ex said: Question: If you want to have sex with a goat, how do you make sure its consensual?

    Obviously they have to say “yes”, Ex. In this particular case, there were witnesses who clearly hear the goat say “n-a-a-a-a-y”!

    Phillychief, you need to examine the laws of some of the “backward” states! Check out Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, etc!

  8. Very funny. Thanks for a good laugh.
    I’m sad to say that Oregon was going to grant some spousal rights to gays on January 2nd and decided not to… there will be yet another hearing first. This time in February. Makes me wonder sometimes why the usually very democratic/independent state of Oregon can be such pig heads.

  9. Philly and Ex: The “shaft defense” is also known as “The f–k stops HERE.”

    Ex: Methinks you would establish consent at the pre-trial lineup. You bring in the suspects one by one. If the goat bolts when one guy walks in… well… he should call a laywer.

    Evo: You are too freaking much, man.

  10. That defense is a bad mother..
    - shut yo’ mouth
    I’m just talking about the Shaft Defense. Can ya dig it?
    - Yeah, we can dig it!

    If it didn’t fit, you must acquit, right?

    Hey Lifeguard, no one’s forcing you to defend these fuckers, so don’t give me that crap about how lawyers aren’t liable for our overly litigious society.

    John, I know Florida isn’t alone in stupid laws. There’s a site called I think that has a state by state breakdown. About 6 months ago there was an article about how in Alabama it’s legal to buy a gun but not a vibrator. So it’s quite possible that you could buy a gun legally but go to jail for using it on an animal while it would be illegal to buy a vibrator yet legal to use on an animal. It all makes my head spin (the bigger one, in case you were wondering).

    Ute and others, on the forum where I was dealing with the moron I mentioned above, someone asked what the issue has to do with the election (the Pres. election was the topic of the thread). I said that since the issue is one of equal rights, where one stands on it reveals if they’re a believer in equal rights for all or, like in Animal Farm, a pig who thinks some are more equal than others. It is sad to hear that a “progressive” state can’t even see it’s way to being human.

  11. Actually, the Constitution of the United States forces SOMEBODY to defend ALL of those fuckers and we have to do our best to zealously defend them or lose our licenses (to say nothing about freedom).

    I find it one to society’s great foibles that a lot of people out there (and I don’t include you, because I know part of you is just giving me the Philly Treatment right now) want to blame lawyers for doing their jobs (or doing their jobs “too well”) when a judge or jury makes some outlandish decision.

    We have jobs to do and we do them. We’re lawyers, not magicians, and individuals make up their own minds based on our arguments. We don’t learn any special mind control tricks in law school!

    And damn you for coming up with “If it does not fit, you must acquit!!!” You ought to be a lawyer!

  12. I left Poli Sci for art. Ironically, I’ve experienced quite a lot of politics in the creative world. Bullshit is everywhere I guess.

    I’ve often joked about taking jobs like for Veggie Tales, but I’ve actually avoided doing work for projects I don’t agree with. I’ve done stuff for lawyers who represent assholes, but in the specific cases I worked on they weren’t the bad guys. If they were, I don’t think I’d be able to take the job. A guy who contracts me a lot has Scruggs as a client. I’ve already told him I’m not going to help get a tobacco company off.

    Now as for “We have jobs to do and we do them”, that’s weak counselor. Is that your final answer? I’m assuming by compelled you’re implying you’re a public defender of sorts? Certainly in the private sector you can pass on any case you want, right?

  13. Philly: I am a public defender of sorts, yes, and private attorneys can certainly pick and choose their clients if they are successful enough to be able to turn away business.

    Obviously, there’s a big difference between lawyers hired by tobacco companies and a lawyer who works as a public defender, although I think even most public defenders do the work because they believe in it.

    Me? I took my job as a public defender of sorts to represent people being committed to psychiatric hospitals and other folks suffering from mental disabilities. Now, in NYS at least, that means sex offenders too. I didn’t sign up for that, but I do it and I know I represent some real creeps and have to make some pretty bad arguments.

    Whether I stick with it or quit though, I know that at least in this context, people have to do it, because otherwise we live in a lawless society.

    When it comes to the Constitution, I am a believer. A public defender who argues to exclude evidence as a result of an illegal pat down in a murder case is also defending my right to walk down the street without being manhandled by a cop on a power trip.

  14. Excellent post that made me laugh until I choked.

    I’m better now.

  15. LOL. I suppose this law is a response to the fact that an ungodly number of Floridians (most of whom are over 60) are getting it on with their livestock, pets, etc. Who knew?

    I second soitgoes’ recommendation. Leg-humping dogs are a real nuisance. Moreover, they’ll do it anywhere, anytime. Absolutely shameless behavior, if you ask me.

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