Pets provide more comfort than priests

I just saw this cool article from the UK where a research study found that bereaved people were more inclined to turn to their pets than a priest. Now wouldn’t you love to see an article like that in the US? I’m sure for most of you this is a no brainer. What the hell could a priest do for you, especially if you’re in mourning? Well whatever he’s got, it pales in comparison to say the beaming face of your pet.

So this got me thinking of how many ways your pet is better than a priest. I jotted down a few. Although mine are dog-centric, feel free to add how your special little buddy or buddies are better than a priest.

Your dog will never rape or sodomize you or your children.
Your dog’s other dog buddies would never aid or abed such child molestation.
Your dog will never pass judgement on you.
Your dog will listen to your “sins” without requiring penance.
Your dog does not want all your money.
Your dog would never ask to be exempt from drunk driving laws on religious grounds.
Your dog would not offer false promises.
Your dog would never lie to you.
Your dog will always love you no matter what.

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15 Responses to “Pets provide more comfort than priests”

  1. Your cat doesn’t care if you say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas.”

    Your cat will never try to influence your vote.

    As long as you leave sufficient food out on Saturday night, your cat doesn’t care if you sleep late on Sunday.

    Your cat will never pretend that she can turn wine into somebody’s blood. If she wants blood, she just scratches you.

    Your cat will never try to keep you from reading a particular book or seeing a particular movie.

    Your dog will never cry on TV just because he’s been caught in some homosexual sniffing.

    Your dog will never bark in tongues.

    Your dog will never criticize another dog for wagging her tail.

  2. Your dog won’t live in blatant denial of his homosexuality. When he feels like it, he just humps another male right out in the open – and wouldn’t dream of repenting.

    Your cat knows that, if there was a god, he sure as hell didn’t give man “dominion” over him!

  3. LOL… very funny. :)

  4. Hey Philly, I hear you’re an artist. Do you have a page with your art?

  5. I haven’t picked up a brush and painted in a LONG time. What I’ve been doing for the last decade is 3D modeling and animation. You can see older work (2+ years old) at I haven’t had time to update the site with newer work. Some of that includes some models:
    Playboy Model
    German Cockroach
    and if you want to see them move (you need divx installed –

  6. Nice list man.

    A dog, however, will hump the hell out of your leg.

  7. Ah, but there’s never any penetration and he doesn’t threaten you not to tell anyone about it afterwards.

  8. Yes. Let’s weigh this out.

    You are 8 years old.

    1. Your pet dog, a St. Bernard, pins you down and humps your leg.


    2. Your personal priest, at St. Bernard’s, pins you down and sodomizes you.

    Nice doggie!

  9. We have a local school called St. Bernard’s. It was a few years ago now, but I think John’s onto something…:)

    And your dog will always be waiting to greet you, tail waggingly happy, no matter what time it is or how drunk you got home.

  10. Perhaps as the proud owner of mere goldfish, I approach this issue from a different perspective, but even they provide a more sensitive ear than even the most sympathetic priest, and I find them, like most pets, far less inclined to engage in forced sodomy.

    On a more serious note, I totally agree with you. I know someone who has formed an unbelievable bond with her dog since the death of her husband. It’s actually very moving to see them together, as even the dog seems to lean on her for support.

  11. As a rat owner I’d like to weigh in a couple more:

    Your rat will never expect you to enter into a lifelong partnership with someone without having at least slept with them first.

    Your rat actually enjoys the sound of your voice.

    In times of personal strife, your rat will curl up on your shoulder and warm your neck, rather than offering platitudes or prayer.

    Your rat WILL steal your food and piss on your valuables, but she/he will never pretend heavenly justification for it.

    Your rat will never claim to be more spiritual/moral/better than you.

    Your rat will never try to convert other rats to it’s way of thinking. It may, however, try to have sex with them.

    And that’s a freaky roach animation, very nice.

  12. If you ever get pregnant and wish you weren’t, your dog, cat, rat, or goldfish will never scream abuse at you as you enter the abortion clinic.

    If you develop a degenerative disease in old age, your dog, cat, rat, or goldfish will never crusade against stem-cell research that might produce a cure.

  13. Yes, and your dog won’t try to fuck your younf son in the ass!!!!!

  14. Information is power and now I’m a !@#$ing diattcor.

  15. 8ar5ec ekhlvcmeneak

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